Jan's Latest Version

Was I really that oppressed?  Did I want independence so bad?  And for so long?  I started fighting for it some time ago, I vaguely remember how it was not to struggle.  Am I really that miserable?  Was it so bad?  I fight over mere details, things I should ignore and yet I see all of them as an attack (assault) on my freedom!  Am I that scared?  What was it that happened in my life that has left me so damaged?

I’m worried.  Today I fought (blood on the walls, by-standers dead) with a member of my family, again…  (And although my shade of gray is different for fighting than for other people the consequences felt are similar).

In the past I was told to let go, forget it, let it slide, omit and not to care… but I have a hard time doing so.  Maybe if I assume that people don’t control their actions and do stuff in good faith without giving it even a second of thought it would be easier to ignore them.  I don’t know if I can not to care…

I am tired of fighting, but very often I feel oppressed.  I am not happy with were I am waking upevery morning.  I’m tired of fighting, I can’t give up, but my current way are not working.  And that is what is really worrying me.  And either I don’t mind the body count or it doesn’t register with me, yet.

Can I fix it before I wake up all alone?

I’m tired of trying to prove I am worth a damn. Tired of being controlled, tired of being 14 and 10 and 27 all at the same time. I am just tired and thus less and less patient…

Me.  For several reasons I never made many lasting acquiescence.  I have couple I trust.  And I am lucky they are in good health.

I have let only couple people in.  Everyone else enjoys the company of my masks, and they are happy. I am too.

It is, I hope, common knowledge that I live my life by a set of principles and rules.  I say “I hope” because almost everyone who got anywhere close to the outer core should have heard me say so…

The postulates by which I live my life by have been developed over years of self study and world consideration.  Some where inspired (like: “I will not sleep with a girl I wouldn’t be willing to marry for at least 18 years”) by others, some where taught through experience (such as: “I will not hit a girl as long as she doesn’t demand (through actions or stance) to be considered a guy (for all sakes and purposes), in that case the rose is turned into a mace and I am ready to draw blood (it is to late for “sorry”)”).  Some are extensions of sayings or conclusions of philosophers (“Don’t threat if you’re not willing to hit, don’t hit unless you’re willing to wound, don’t wound unless you’re willing to kill, don’t kill unless you’re able to live with it.”).

The list of rules is long, alive and well.  Not to say I never broke any.  I did, for reasons, chances are, you would not understand or appreciate.

This list of rules and principles which I govern my life by was created from a set of Fundamental Principles.  I consider myself not religious.  Spiritual… maybe.  For certain I am a true believer (explanation of that is another long post if you let me know it is needed).

In Short: If you ever had to confront a person, true believers are your worst nightmare.  Mostly due to the fact that their primary source of strength is untouchable.  Being indestructible it does not require effort protecting.  I am a true believer.  I have a dogmatic relationship with the Fundamental Principles.

Side note, there were only three people which I allowed to get close enough to discuss them.

Mid middle school is were a lot of the initial foot work took place.  By the time I was 14 or 15 the pieces were starting to fit together and a picture was forming.  Why?  Lack of enough engaging activities, friendships…?  I don’t know, most of my remembered life I had observation of the world as a priority.

I know my brain has some wiring issues (dyslexia for example), last couple IQ tests:  I bounced around 143-149.  I am a multi-tasker, creator rather than a copier (will explain if I know you need me to).  I’m always thinking and always curious.  I want to know.

I never had a hangover, but after I went to sleep with a slight buzz I woke up a new person in the morning, now I’m thinking that those were the rare nights I got to reset my RAM…

The “human-condition” was always a fascination of mine.

I doubt there are many people which are… similar to me.  Even if they are I suppose most have forsaken this “pursuit” for the order of “ the normal” life.

Nothing wrong with it, and I am happy for them.

One of the primary Fundamental Principles is the principle of Cause.  “Everything happens for a reason and has consequence.”  The corollary of this dogmatic statement is that “On principle people arenot stupid.”  If people were stupid they would do things for no reason, contradiction of the “FP of Cause”.  Everything you do has a reason.  Red or blue mug?  You will do a thought process and decide. “I chose mine through intuition, isn’t that different?”  No, your intuition is based on your character which is a compilation of your upbringing and your environment.  Thus even if it is not very visible or obvious there is a reason for the fact that you like red better than blue.

A lemma of “FP of Cause” is that people can be held accountable for every single word they say.  I understand that the mastery of language needed to do this flawlessly is unattainable for most of us.  I know for a fact that what I say and what I wanted to say are rarely (never?) a match, but I also know that the meaning although deep-fried in metaphors is somewhat consistent.

I spoke to a person who is very similar to me (under 5% difference, scary? I know), the FP of Cause came up. Bare with me…

What if to some extend people are stupid and miserable?  (In short: miserable because by being stupid they are not capable of reaching the potential they want and can see others reach.)  If we take this into consideration, it would be unwise to hold them responsible for every word and action they take.  Since not everything they say has been thought through it would be irresponsible to hold them accountable and worry about consequences of their meaning.

Another FP states that most people are “good”.  Although now most are flawed (greedy, angry, miserable, lairs etc), they haven’t started that way.  Its corollary suggest that patience/care/warmth is what might make a difference.

I am lost.  I made myself a jug of the only brain gravy I know of (hot tea with milk and little to much sugar), and I have been thinking about it for the past 17 plus hours…  Tell a catholic, with proof, that big chunks of the bible are wrong and if they care, and I do, they are going be like a sheep with dead shepherd.

So what now?  A big chunk of my world view has been questioned.  I would like to stick to the fact that my rules are infallible.  I really… it would be easier, by much.  On the other hand I can’t turn a blind eye to the systematic destruction of people who are trying and failing to help.  “Hell is paved with good intentions. “  “Wanted well came out like always.” Right?

Why than I insist on rebelling and fighting to the death for my freedom?

I had a good childhood.  I have a loving and very supportive family, most people around me care.

I tried to go over almost every single piece of every single memory I have… Long, yes, fruitless too.

A memory lost (snowboarding accident) and mental breakdown will do wonders for your priority list, but they seemed to only accelerate already started change.  Falling, head over heels, in love is an eye opener as well.  So what in my diet, environment, life was that problematic for the prior twenty-some years to leave me with PSD (post-dramatic-stress-disorder) like symptoms?

Only recently I realized that I seem to emphasize the fact that “I am free” a lot.  Free to do as I please, free of lives burdens, free…

Back track to post one of this series.  I wrote it after getting soaked (rain) on my way to the bus-stop.  Before I left, I said that although I might be hard to be close to, I have very well defined rules when it comes to communicating.  “Rules” I thought on the bus watching my shorts dry up…

What if what I fight is helping hands?  Maybe it is time to ask for help or take the help that is offered to me on regular basis?  Maybe if I stop fighting for freedom I will notice that the war is over and my bunker is the only one stocking up on ammunition.  Do I want to let my guard down, and believe that people although un-thoughtfully (with no consideration of consequences) but in good faith are approaching my barbwired mine fields?

I am tired of fighting, and it hurts me to see the body count I leave behind me in the name of principles.  Where did I go wrong?  And what was it that has set me off in this rampage?

It will take some time for me to get used to the green zone being closer, especially since I’m still looking for my place on this planet (example: job etc).

I want to know when and how did I survive this oppression which made me become the freedom fighter over 4 years ago.

I’m sure that both somewhat extreme and logical cases can be made for as well as against what I’m going to present here…

From my limited interactions with both the female populations of US and EU, I concluded that it seemed more likely to sleep (meaningless, accidental, thing to do…) with an American girl than an EU one.  Easier by an margin bigger than what one would expect for a statical error.

Question that always bothered me was/is Why?

Flower children rebellion against the sadistic domination, suffocation of the puritanical values?

Sure, but after several decades of rather liberal (values) upbringings , one would expect the general media influence to wain, rather than maintain strength.  So what than?  What has the power to make generation after generation worth of women (and men) looser than 13 size sneakers on a 5 year old?

What do all those people (different in: class, income, education, state, upbringing, etc) have in common?  There are only a hand full things that can have such a wide Socio-psychological mass effect we see here.  Language is one of those factors.  Language-culture composition to be precise.

The moment you turn thirteen years old, you stop being “it” you become mister or miss, there will be sir and ma’am next to your name and you will be referred to as an adult.  With distance and respect your age group deserves.

This distance and respect will translate into your 20s and up.  No more “you” on the first date (meeting).  In EU you need explicit permission to be able to refer to others as “you” rather than sir, ma’am.  Precipitation of this is a longer term of approach.  “I don’t know you, thus I will respect you.”

English language uses you to fill the blanks of personal conjugation of active verbs. (Miss, you forgot your scarf.)  In Polish you can infer persons gender from the form of the verb, as well as other information.

For me it seems rather unnatural to say ma’am, sir with out the use of “you” next to the verbs.  I’m not an Englsih grammar buff, but I have been in academic circles for over 8 years learning the language by mimicking it.

I’m far from saying that casual encounter don’t happen here, and the fact that EU is much more liberal makes a difference, but the initial distance at which you hold strangers does make a major contribution.

The ten steps I need to take to fix my Life.

Step 1: …?

There is a small, if not extremely small, group of people, individuals who have more money that they know what to do with. If you just bought your third new car this year, you probably are in that group. Not a thing wrong with changing maker, model and colour to fit the new girlfriend, season or mood. Most of us are still scrambling to buy our first, probably, used vehicle. Money be gets money, says the old saying and so… you and me both, scramble to have little more, just to make it from paycheck to paycheck.

Charity is a interesting thing. It means to cherish some one, their ideas or values, what they represent. It is a action to help satisfy their loaning’s and their needs, it is what makes the best of us. It is tax-deductible if not giving what you have a lot off to some who do not have enough isn’t a reward on its own. I remember an old stand-up tape made of Eddie Murphy, he said that if you have five bucks, giving some one half, two-fifty you can do. On the other hand if you have twenty million, giving away half is not something you would do. In all stories, it is always the poor, under-privileged units that help, rather than the rich ones.

Either of the sources of money, a link via Pay-Pal usually asking for donations seems little off. There are people that would, could and should help, but doesn’t it seem like begging? Charity is an action imposed by an good emotion is above that, better than, it is pure. Should those links ask for contributions for the work being done? I ponder. I could have Pay-Pal, but that would not cover the kind issue of having a job and steady paycheck, insurance with dental and prospect of a proper and safe-ish husband. Would it now? One could do, achieve a lot with little help of people around them, finding those people is the impossible part.

So what now? You donate, pay for my meals, cloths and that new CD Euro-dance, and in return I’ll keep doing what I feel like doing? You will work a job (unless your the top 5%), try to survive in the society that measures your quality by the quantity of your wallet and you want to donate? I would feel oblidged, I would feel that the next post, piece of writting would have to be excelent, just to honour that which made you see something worth while in my writting, something that has been missed for decades. I have to be honest, I can not accept your money, trust me, I would love to be paid for what I do! What I do is what I love, is what I feel in content with, I create and I love this job. I create, with no restrictions, I create what I please, I’m the master of my universe. I’m a sort of an artist. Who will be starving sooner then later.

I feel that if I can not promise (I try to keep the few that I make) a.k.a. guarantee a product, result, or a final state, I should not accept that which you have worked for. It would make me no different from the guys on the streets begging, I want to work for my meals, I want to create. I want to do what I love and have someone pay for it, I can’t steal from you, but I will gladly take suggestions, maybe you know that one person that could help me out…

Invisibility or time stopping, yeah, with at will x-ray vision would be cool. My thoughts wonder to the cheerleaders, school fights and all those moments I would use a supper power. There are three points I want to make today. They are very distinct, all I would be willing to deal with when the time came to be right. What is your dream supper power? Me? I would like to be able to make force fields, plain and simple.

Point one. Every super power has a list of possibility side effects. The cute cheerleader you been looking at through x-ray vision, develops cancer and dies. Deportation does what it supposed to and now you or someone else are at two places at the same time, painful. Forget to turn invisibility off and you get run over by a truck. All very unfortunate all easily avoidable, all could be avoided if you read the fine print. This point of the theory is easy to look over and easy to fix, thus not so interesting.

Point two. There is one class of super powers which is a curse on its own. It is immortality. Worse case scenario, you can be dismembered, or buried alive. Face it your screwed. A bit more subtle point is easy to see if your immortality comes with a form of indestructibility too. Immortality of life, will be joined with immortality of memories. Either yours or photographs and so on. Ignorance would be a bliss, otherwise you have to live with the passing of your family, your kids, new found love etc. Face it, you are truly alone, there is no way you can stop it, and after decades, the intensity of your feelings would become as shallow as the hugs you got during college parties from that drunk blond you will never remember or call. You are human you need humans. Enough said.

Point three. So you got a supper power, you were careful about how your wish was phrased, and you are not immortal although long lived. According to my “Dilemma of “Super Hero” Theory” your are, most likely, going to die at young age. You are going to die before your time is right and you’re going to die of your own wish. Why? You have all the super power and you are definatly not suitcidal, but why? There is a painfuly simple answer to this, obvious, if you stop focusing on you that much. You are going to die because you are human, you are going to die because you care. But…? Would you not try to save your sister from a burning building? Or help your neighbor with that broken gas vaulve? How about complete strangers? You have the super power to do good.

This is the dilemma, you have the super power, you are human, you care and you will have to live with it if you do not do anything you can to help. With great power comes great responsibility, says that famous phrase. You might be smarter than that, approach the simple problems of the people around you the way the rest of us approaches hunger in Africa. We send ten bucks once a year and silence our concise that we have helped, made difference and we feel justified to wasted food at home. You will have to deal with proximity issue, you cold hearted bastard. However, one of those days you will be put in front of a choice which will matter. Choice which you will not say no to. There will be a thing you will find worth dying for, one of those things/choices you make will end that way. If you find things worth dying for you should not be a super hero, but with out those things you might as well be immortal. With time you will find things you care for and then you will wish you were only human.