Jan’s Latest Version

Why do most people attend church?  Why do most don’t pee in public?  Why do most avoid raping cute girls on the first date?

Each one of those questions asks the same thing.  Although additional arguments can be made, the essential reason is “we want to belong”.

We want to belong to a civilized society of decent human beings (being tea bagged in jail might hinder that), and need to be seen as cultured and well mannered.  The first question is the most vague one.  It is almost as light as asking why do people jaywalk, in NYC, in groups.  There might be many theories, but I still stick to any which connect the sacrifice of time (effort) to the price we are willing to pay to be considered a member of that (church) group.

So where does the subject line fit in?

During many Nationalistic movements, of all sorts, not belonging was “bad for your health”.  Example of those movements are Bolshevik (Soviet Reds), patriotic hysteria after 9-11 (mainly in US), tragedy of Smolensk on April 10th 2010, and Nazi-Germany to name a few.

They all are very much different and I am far from putting the tragedy of Holocaust on a even level with 9-11 (it has been tried in US-TV and it was the biggest propaganda bullshit I have seen in a while, tragedy although large, isn’t even comparable…).

“Bad for your health”.

In each one of those cases member of those societies who didn’t agree with the current theme were considered… problematic.  In Nazi-Germany and ZSRR you were eliminated, easy.  In US since there was a need to control the population (haven’t made my mind up about it yet, conspiracy seems feasible) through propaganda and fear.  Any opposition to the “official” story was considered unpatriotic and thus you weren’t an individual with a question or different opinion, you were a terrorist (your life got really bad if you were “born brown”).  There was no defense against those accusations and only recently people started to talk about it…  Side note: it was embarrassing how badly that was handled.

Either way, in each one of those cases there was a basic idea behind the nationalistic movement.  Things mostly turned bad though.  Those societies very quickly turned into either black or white.  There was no middle ground, no shades of gray.  You could be either with the theme or you were considered against.  Lets add TV, religion and a old still healing wound (Soviet executions of 12000+ of Polish officers near the Katyn forests, recommend you check Wikki).

And so let us look at Poland.  Seventy years ago Soviets invaded Poland (not long after Nazis did) and killed off thousands of officers and intelligentsia.  Since then, Poland won its independence, started breaking ties with the communist party, became a part of EU and started slowly moving towards being a greater nation it once was.  Soviet ZSRR changed too, it broke up and became Russia (there is still some history cover up, deep fried in secrecy, we will see what happens in the upcoming weeks).

Following the story, a Polish government group (way to many important people on one plane IMO) flew to Katyn, to celebrate the memory of the ones fallen (70th anniversary).  They crashed, 96 dead (why? isn’t the top priority).  Unprecedented, to have so many politically important people die at once, during peace time.  Things started to happen, National Tragedy, a week long mourning,  most of civilized world announced mourning days.  Flowers started to pile up at Polish embassies around the world.  Place before the Presidents Palace in Warsaw was (for days) swarming with people, candles and flowers.

Ready for the butts?  I see couple of them and I am Polish.

President Kaczynski was a good person and started his career by being at the right place at the right time, accident or not, he was there.  Politically wise he wasn’t spectacular and would probably end up having a paragraph or two in the history textbooks.  He died in a terrible tragedy and suddenly he is getting elevated to a super-Pole.  Every foreign dignitary (with couple exceptions) got the same memo (Wikki entry?) highlighting his greatness.
Suddenly everyone is getting bombarded by “greatness” info and looping on repeat scenes of the plane crashed in the mud.  Depression is enhanced by media which afraid of playing anything else (un-Polish), play the same thing over and over.  Patriotic hysteria sets in.  To say anything but “we loved the man” or “it was terrible ::tear::” is un-Polish.  So much for freedom of thought…

It is a tragedy, 96 very fine people died in a plane crash.  Most people went to mourn with others, drastically reminded of their own mortality, which is understandable.  To blow it up the way it was done is to make a circus out of something that is really sad.  I suppose someone got a whiff of some international attention and it blew up.

That is not all, why would it end there? now comes the monkey act (see-do).  To show how patriotic we are, “we” started to make Kaczynski one of the greatest Poles ever.  That is not all, a new kind of panic, how can “we” match the insanity? … make him an honorary citizen of Warsaw, O.K. What else? …
In Cracow there is a massive necropolis in the crypts beneath the Wawel (castle).  Only the greatest Polish people were granted a resting place there (people who take up chapters in history books).  Idea comes across the screen, family is debating putting the  presidential couple there.  What?  People woke up…

There were appellations made by bishops, to the crowds, to quietly accept this decision (catholic church hold a strong grip on Poland, it was their “un”influenced decision to allow burial there), but demonstrations still ensued.  Argument?  There is a problem when you start lowering standards for a place as important to everyone as are the Wawel crypts.

One last thing I’m going to mention is that Katyn was a Soviet doing, saying Katyn 2.0 is will build on the anti-Soviet sentiment which will translate into anti-Russian sentiment.  From what I seen so far, Russia’s prim-minister and president behaved in a matter fitting the office they hold, very impressed and very happy.

Over all a great tragedy has been cheapened by people who had the power to use it for good.  Voices can be heard that this tragedy is uniting people and reminding them of core principles of being Polish.  However, most are just looking for company of living to be sheltered from the media assault.  It is a tragedy that 96 dedicated people died in service of their country but you don’t have to give into the hysteria to prove you still love Poland.

I will have the other posts typed up soon, for now I feel that putting up the last few up first.  Mostly due to the…  They left me thinking the most.  I … I’m somewhat lost at this junction and although I am retyping my hand written notes, there is something very worry some about what I have written there.

Thus, with no further due, the 4 things I decided to write down in it might help to read them in order.

Was I really that oppressed?  Did I want independence so bad?  And for so long?  I started fighting for it some time ago, I vaguely remember how it was not to struggle.  Am I really that miserable?  Was it so bad?  I fight over mere details, things I should ignore and yet I see all of them as an attack (assault) on my freedom!  Am I that scared?  What was it that happened in my life that has left me so damaged?

I’m worried.  Today I fought (blood on the walls, by-standers dead) with a member of my family, again…  (And although my shade of gray is different for fighting than for other people the consequences felt are similar).

In the past I was told to let go, forget it, let it slide, omit and not to care… but I have a hard time doing so.  Maybe if I assume that people don’t control their actions and do stuff in good faith without giving it even a second of thought it would be easier to ignore them.  I don’t know if I can not to care…

I am tired of fighting, but very often I feel oppressed.  I am not happy with were I am waking upevery morning.  I’m tired of fighting, I can’t give up, but my current way are not working.  And that is what is really worrying me.  And either I don’t mind the body count or it doesn’t register with me, yet.

Can I fix it before I wake up all alone?

I’m tired of trying to prove I am worth a damn. Tired of being controlled, tired of being 14 and 10 and 27 all at the same time. I am just tired and thus less and less patient…

Me.  For several reasons I never made many lasting acquiescence.  I have couple I trust.  And I am lucky they are in good health.

I have let only couple people in.  Everyone else enjoys the company of my masks, and they are happy. I am too.

It is, I hope, common knowledge that I live my life by a set of principles and rules.  I say “I hope” because almost everyone who got anywhere close to the outer core should have heard me say so…

The postulates by which I live my life by have been developed over years of self study and world consideration.  Some where inspired (like: “I will not sleep with a girl I wouldn’t be willing to marry for at least 18 years”) by others, some where taught through experience (such as: “I will not hit a girl as long as she doesn’t demand (through actions or stance) to be considered a guy (for all sakes and purposes), in that case the rose is turned into a mace and I am ready to draw blood (it is to late for “sorry”)”).  Some are extensions of sayings or conclusions of philosophers (“Don’t threat if you’re not willing to hit, don’t hit unless you’re willing to wound, don’t wound unless you’re willing to kill, don’t kill unless you’re able to live with it.”).

The list of rules is long, alive and well.  Not to say I never broke any.  I did, for reasons, chances are, you would not understand or appreciate.

This list of rules and principles which I govern my life by was created from a set of Fundamental Principles.  I consider myself not religious.  Spiritual… maybe.  For certain I am a true believer (explanation of that is another long post if you let me know it is needed).

In Short: If you ever had to confront a person, true believers are your worst nightmare.  Mostly due to the fact that their primary source of strength is untouchable.  Being indestructible it does not require effort protecting.  I am a true believer.  I have a dogmatic relationship with the Fundamental Principles.

Side note, there were only three people which I allowed to get close enough to discuss them.

Mid middle school is were a lot of the initial foot work took place.  By the time I was 14 or 15 the pieces were starting to fit together and a picture was forming.  Why?  Lack of enough engaging activities, friendships…?  I don’t know, most of my remembered life I had observation of the world as a priority.

I know my brain has some wiring issues (dyslexia for example), last couple IQ tests:  I bounced around 143-149.  I am a multi-tasker, creator rather than a copier (will explain if I know you need me to).  I’m always thinking and always curious.  I want to know.

I never had a hangover, but after I went to sleep with a slight buzz I woke up a new person in the morning, now I’m thinking that those were the rare nights I got to reset my RAM…

The “human-condition” was always a fascination of mine.

I doubt there are many people which are… similar to me.  Even if they are I suppose most have forsaken this “pursuit” for the order of “ the normal” life.

Nothing wrong with it, and I am happy for them.

One of the primary Fundamental Principles is the principle of Cause.  “Everything happens for a reason and has consequence.”  The corollary of this dogmatic statement is that “On principle people arenot stupid.”  If people were stupid they would do things for no reason, contradiction of the “FP of Cause”.  Everything you do has a reason.  Red or blue mug?  You will do a thought process and decide. “I chose mine through intuition, isn’t that different?”  No, your intuition is based on your character which is a compilation of your upbringing and your environment.  Thus even if it is not very visible or obvious there is a reason for the fact that you like red better than blue.

A lemma of “FP of Cause” is that people can be held accountable for every single word they say.  I understand that the mastery of language needed to do this flawlessly is unattainable for most of us.  I know for a fact that what I say and what I wanted to say are rarely (never?) a match, but I also know that the meaning although deep-fried in metaphors is somewhat consistent.

I spoke to a person who is very similar to me (under 5% difference, scary? I know), the FP of Cause came up. Bare with me…

What if to some extend people are stupid and miserable?  (In short: miserable because by being stupid they are not capable of reaching the potential they want and can see others reach.)  If we take this into consideration, it would be unwise to hold them responsible for every word and action they take.  Since not everything they say has been thought through it would be irresponsible to hold them accountable and worry about consequences of their meaning.

Another FP states that most people are “good”.  Although now most are flawed (greedy, angry, miserable, lairs etc), they haven’t started that way.  Its corollary suggest that patience/care/warmth is what might make a difference.

I am lost.  I made myself a jug of the only brain gravy I know of (hot tea with milk and little to much sugar), and I have been thinking about it for the past 17 plus hours…  Tell a catholic, with proof, that big chunks of the bible are wrong and if they care, and I do, they are going be like a sheep with dead shepherd.

So what now?  A big chunk of my world view has been questioned.  I would like to stick to the fact that my rules are infallible.  I really… it would be easier, by much.  On the other hand I can’t turn a blind eye to the systematic destruction of people who are trying and failing to help.  “Hell is paved with good intentions. “  “Wanted well came out like always.” Right?

Why than I insist on rebelling and fighting to the death for my freedom?

I had a good childhood.  I have a loving and very supportive family, most people around me care.

I tried to go over almost every single piece of every single memory I have… Long, yes, fruitless too.

A memory lost (snowboarding accident) and mental breakdown will do wonders for your priority list, but they seemed to only accelerate already started change.  Falling, head over heels, in love is an eye opener as well.  So what in my diet, environment, life was that problematic for the prior twenty-some years to leave me with PSD (post-dramatic-stress-disorder) like symptoms?

Only recently I realized that I seem to emphasize the fact that “I am free” a lot.  Free to do as I please, free of lives burdens, free…

Back track to post one of this series.  I wrote it after getting soaked (rain) on my way to the bus-stop.  Before I left, I said that although I might be hard to be close to, I have very well defined rules when it comes to communicating.  “Rules” I thought on the bus watching my shorts dry up…

What if what I fight is helping hands?  Maybe it is time to ask for help or take the help that is offered to me on regular basis?  Maybe if I stop fighting for freedom I will notice that the war is over and my bunker is the only one stocking up on ammunition.  Do I want to let my guard down, and believe that people although un-thoughtfully (with no consideration of consequences) but in good faith are approaching my barbwired mine fields?

I am tired of fighting, and it hurts me to see the body count I leave behind me in the name of principles.  Where did I go wrong?  And what was it that has set me off in this rampage?

It will take some time for me to get used to the green zone being closer, especially since I’m still looking for my place on this planet (example: job etc).

I want to know when and how did I survive this oppression which made me become the freedom fighter over 4 years ago.

The Girl in the white jacket, loose jeans… The Girl walking around the station… She reminded me of someone I knew years ago.  Lost and damaged, hurting from worlds sole existence.  Reminded me… at a distance.

I stood next to her on the train, there was nothing in her eyes.  I rarely… I don’t remember last time I saw someone, else, look this way before. I know my limits are breached I can go this cold, but someone else that was just scary.

I wanted to do the Jan thing, to ask why was she sad.  It wasn’t sadness, not when I got to see her from up close.  It was complete lack of emotions.  Lack of hope, a total surrender.  I wanted to help but I was afraid.  I felt that emptiness of her gaze.  What if we spoke? Death of light by proximity?

Edt. Now couple days later, I am ashamed that that night I wasn’t strong enough to ask, didn’t have enough warmth to share and enough recklessness to do it.

I’m tutoring… English… grammar.  Me tutoring English? ROFL, right?   But, this is what I got a chance to do these days, tutor English grammar.  Am I doing O.K.?

Third language of mine, I don’t find it particularity “fun”, I’m not to great in that grammar stuff…  I suppose for now I am doing O.K.  Judging from the past year and a half, I’m lucky I got some sort of job.  Even if it isn’t even close to what I would like to be doing.

I don’t know what I want/would like to do, but I’m pretty sure teaching English grammar wouldn’t make the top 10 positions… 15$ an hour, 2 hours a week with 10-15hours of prep. … if you can’t do what you want, you do what you can, trying to figure out what you want, so you can do it, right?

I bought a mobile phone, as it seems that this is the only way I will be able to get in touch with people here.  I bought a Nokia 2700c and I am in love. I liked my Sprints’ Sanyo Katana before today… next to this sim-card, SD card holding mobile, my US cell is as if comparing the girl of your dreams with a Montana goat…

Simple and even though it was one of the cheapest ones around (under 100$ with no subscription plan required) it is vast superior to the brick like piece of s… I payed 170+$ with a 2 year plan in US.  I’m starting to think that comparing phones is like comparing girls between the continents.  Will have a better idea in June…

For now EU is slick, working, esthetically pleasing, logical, easier on your pocket and with no forced commitment, marvel… vs US bulky, limited, expensive, commitment requiring, retarded, and dying 15months in… ball and chain.

Did I mention it talks to me with a sweet British accent?  I have control my impulses not to press her buttons all the time…  I love my Nokia.

I’m sure that both somewhat extreme and logical cases can be made for as well as against what I’m going to present here…

From my limited interactions with both the female populations of US and EU, I concluded that it seemed more likely to sleep (meaningless, accidental, thing to do…) with an American girl than an EU one.  Easier by an margin bigger than what one would expect for a statical error.

Question that always bothered me was/is Why?

Flower children rebellion against the sadistic domination, suffocation of the puritanical values?

Sure, but after several decades of rather liberal (values) upbringings , one would expect the general media influence to wain, rather than maintain strength.  So what than?  What has the power to make generation after generation worth of women (and men) looser than 13 size sneakers on a 5 year old?

What do all those people (different in: class, income, education, state, upbringing, etc) have in common?  There are only a hand full things that can have such a wide Socio-psychological mass effect we see here.  Language is one of those factors.  Language-culture composition to be precise.

The moment you turn thirteen years old, you stop being “it” you become mister or miss, there will be sir and ma’am next to your name and you will be referred to as an adult.  With distance and respect your age group deserves.

This distance and respect will translate into your 20s and up.  No more “you” on the first date (meeting).  In EU you need explicit permission to be able to refer to others as “you” rather than sir, ma’am.  Precipitation of this is a longer term of approach.  “I don’t know you, thus I will respect you.”

English language uses you to fill the blanks of personal conjugation of active verbs. (Miss, you forgot your scarf.)  In Polish you can infer persons gender from the form of the verb, as well as other information.

For me it seems rather unnatural to say ma’am, sir with out the use of “you” next to the verbs.  I’m not an Englsih grammar buff, but I have been in academic circles for over 8 years learning the language by mimicking it.

I’m far from saying that casual encounter don’t happen here, and the fact that EU is much more liberal makes a difference, but the initial distance at which you hold strangers does make a major contribution.